Today I did something really scary. For me, anyway. Before I tell you what it is, you should know a few things about me.
- I often refer to myself as a Type A-perfectionist-control-freak but that’s not true. Well ,the perfectionist control freak part is, but I’m not truly Type A because I am insanely disorganized. It makes me crazy and I tell myself every year that’s it! No more! but I just cannot seem to find an effective system. I hate it.
- I have a hard time letting go of anything that could maaaaaaaaaaaaybe, “someday”, potentially be useful.
- As a result of 1 & 2, I am…well, kind of a hoarder.
I dislike these things about myself but they’re just how I am. In my constant quest for efficiency and many attempts to make my life simpler, I end up hanging on to things that actually weigh me down and hold me back. Which is how I arrived at today.
I was looking for a sample of student work that I’d saved from a couple of years ago (I know) to show my students as we prepare for a creative-y assignment that I do following chapter 18 of Le Petit Prince. The student in question had done a BEAUTIFUL job, so I wanted to share it with my students to illustrate what I was looking for. I had painstakingly held on to this piece of work for over 2 years, waiting, WAITING for the moment when I could use it in class. I remembered exactly where it was.
Only when I went to look for it, it wasn’t there. Arrrghhhh. You know what else was there, though? The millions of photocopies, manipulatives, textbook lesson plans, realia, worksheets, grammar quizzes, multiple-choice tests, vocabulary lists, grammar explanations (in English), project instructions, English cultural readings, HANDWRITTEN LESSON PLANS ON LOOSE-LEAF PAPER, A DIFFERENT TEACHER’S EVALUATION NOTES AND BOOK CODES AND OLD PERMISSION SLIP FORMS, and do you KNOW what the WORST part was?!
90% OF IT WASN’T EVEN STUFF I HAD CHOSEN OR CREATED. IT WASN’T. EVEN. MINE.
It was stuff that I had “sorted through” at various points when I got this job (FOUR years ago, for the record) that I shuffled from one place in my room to another because of that little voice in my head that said, “You might be able to use this one day! This could save you so much time, this is one less thing you have to create yourself!”
Do you know what the SECOND worst part of all of this was?
Most of this stuff corresponded to philosophies and practices that I don’t even associate myself with or engage in. I don’t give grammar worksheets – why was I hanging on to them, thinking that maybe they’d be useful? Why would I keep realia that I didn’t collect, half of which was (verifiably) older than I am? Why? WHY?
Why ON EARTH would I enable myself that way? How can I ever expect to move forward with one foot rooted firmly in the past – a past that wasn’t even mine to begin with?
So the bell rang, my students left for the day, and I hunkered down and threw. it. all. away. All of it. Every vocab list, grammar worksheet, manipulative that I had no idea how to use – all of it. If it wasn’t mine, it was gone. Au revoir and vaya con Dios. The janitor just now came and took it all away. This classroom is mine now.
And for the record – I didn’t end up finding that student’s example. But you know what? Maybe it’s just as well. Now my students can’t compare themselves to the past and instead will have to forge their own paths – just like I’ve been trying to do.